It was only a few years ago when I started opening up to people.
For so long it was easier to hold all the pain & heartache within me.
The disappointment that I felt, was easier suppressed than discussed.
It’s a surreal understanding to know that the person who was meant to take care of you. Not only the person who gave you life and 50% of the genetic make-up of you but the man who was meant to be my protector and show me the way to live life decided to abandon me.
For so long I brushed it off…
… I don’t care – It doesn’t affect me.
The more I think about it and reflect on it, of course it affected me.
It’s an insidious feeling, you may not be aware that it’s happening but we are just a collection of all of our memories and experiences and the output of that is our character and personality.
My Dad left when I was very young
I was younger than 2 and since then I’ve been left with nothing. No photos, no location, not even a name until I was far older.
The sole image I was left with was a vivid picture I have in my head of me kicking a football to him and him rolling it back to me.
It leaves me thinking, did that really happen? Is it a real memory or like the pensive in Harry Potter, is it possible that I’ve concocted a memory out of nothing but hope.
That’s probably the biggest thing I’m left with from this event…
Why did he leave?
Where is he now?
Does he think about us much?
Would he even know that we exist?
What could a 2 year old child have done that was so bad that meant their father wanted no contact with them.
It’s only through times like this that I’ve realised in every occasion emotion overrides logic, I’ve heard so many times people say – “it’s not your fault”
But it’s not until you’re left sitting there, looking at the damage that one man’s actions done to your family…
Having to step up and take responsibility for a family unit. The only man in the house from a young age and left constantly wondering and questioning, why this would happen.
Maybe I’ll never know, but I hope I will.
I set out earlier this year when I was overseas to go searching for him.
Even though it left me with even more questions than answers, it’s the first step forward.
People ask me – “What are you going to do when you first see him?”
I still don’t know… whether I will want to punch him, give him a handshake or hug him.
But what I do know is that blood is thicker than anything
Maybe we won’t ever be best mates.
Maybe the ship has sailed for us to have a meaningful relationship.
But I do know that holding onto resentment and anger will only hurt my heart, I’ve grown too much and experienced to much to allow someone else’s choices to dictate my happiness.
Even though he may not have given me the example that I sought when I was growing up, he taught me lessons more formative in character than I could have ever asked for.
I know now I’m capable of living independently & happily,
It was a difficult time growing up, I acted up a lot when I was younger.
I was a young boy trying to find my place in the world without a role model to aspire to become –
I now know what it takes to be a man
I now look forward to the absolute blessing it will be to raise kids
I look forward to the opportunity to be the man my father never was and raise my child with all the love and opportunities that I missed out on.
I can’t wait to be part of a greater change in the world and to become that role model for those still in the struggle
I can’t wait for the chance to break the cycle
Thank you for reading this for me. It took a lot to open up but I appreciate you spending your time to read my thoughts on such a delicate subject.
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Stay tuned, I look forward to continuing to explore the big questions in life in a real, unfiltered way moving forward.