It was only a few years ago when I started opening up to people.

For so long it was easier to hold all the pain & heartache within me.

The disappointment that I felt, was easier suppressed than discussed.

It’s a surreal understanding to know that the person who was meant to take care of you. Not only the person who gave you life and 50% of the genetic make-up of you but the man who was meant to be my protector and show me the way to live life decided to abandon me.

For so long I brushed it off…

… I don’t care – It doesn’t affect me.

The more I think about it and reflect on it, of course it affected me.

It’s an insidious feeling, you may not be aware that it’s happening but we are just a collection of all of our memories and experiences and the output of that is our character and personality.

My Dad left when I was very young

I was younger than 2 and since then I’ve been left with nothing. No photos, no location, not even a name until I was far older.

The sole image I was left with was a vivid picture I have in my head of me kicking a football to him and him rolling it back to me.

It leaves me thinking, did that really happen? Is it a real memory or like the pensive in Harry Potter, is it possible that I’ve concocted a memory out of nothing but hope.

That’s probably the biggest thing I’m left with from this event…

… questions

Why did he leave?

Where is he now?

Does he think about us much?

Would he even know that we exist?

What could a 2 year old child have done that was so bad that meant their father wanted no contact with them.

It’s only through times like this that I’ve realised in every occasion emotion overrides logic, I’ve heard so many times people say – “it’s not your fault”

But it’s not until you’re left sitting there, looking at the damage that one man’s actions done to your family…

Having to step up and take responsibility for a family unit. The only man in the house from a young age and left constantly wondering and questioning, why this would happen.

Maybe I’ll never know, but I hope I will.

I set out earlier this year when I was overseas to go searching for him.

Even though it left me with even more questions than answers, it’s the first step forward.

People ask me – “What are you going to do when you first see him?”

I still don’t know… whether I will want to punch him, give him a handshake or hug him.

But what I do know is that blood is thicker than anything

Maybe we won’t ever be best mates.

Maybe the ship has sailed for us to have a meaningful relationship.

But I do know that holding onto resentment and anger will only hurt my heart, I’ve grown too much and experienced to much to allow someone else’s choices to dictate my happiness.

Even though he may not have given me the example that I sought when I was growing up, he taught me lessons more formative in character than I could have ever asked for.

I know now I’m capable of living independently & happily,

It was a difficult time growing up, I acted up a lot when I was younger.

I was a young boy trying to find my place in the world without a role model to aspire to become –

I now know what it takes to be a man

I now look forward to the absolute blessing it will be to raise kids

I look forward to the opportunity to be the man my father never was and raise my child with all the love and opportunities that I missed out on.

I can’t wait to be part of a greater change in the world and to become that role model for those still in the struggle

I can’t wait for the chance to break the cycle

Thank you for reading this for me. It took a lot to open up but I appreciate you spending your time to read my thoughts on such a delicate subject.

If you haven’t yet, feel free to read my first blog posts – Introduction: Who Is Nahu, The Night I Nearly Died, Time Isn’t Real, How To Eternally GrowMy Biggest Fear & Escaping The Bubble.

If you enjoyed this blog, please subscribe below to stay updated about when new posts come out!

Stay tuned, I look forward to continuing to explore the big questions in life in a real, unfiltered way moving forward.

Nahu x

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Nahu

A Gen-Y kid's blog on his journey of reflection and self-discovery. Stories of sport, adventure and travelling around the world come together to provide a unique perspective about overcoming adversity after a near-death experience. Tackling the big questions with real, unfiltered answers.

15 Comments

Amy · August 29, 2018 at 9:15 PM

Thanks for sharing and being real Noah! Love your work

    Nahu · August 29, 2018 at 11:44 PM

    Thank you Amy! Have learnt so much through this process delving into questions that I’d avoided for so long. Appreciate you dropping in x

Mal · August 30, 2018 at 7:41 AM

Mate, you have shown tremendous strength of character and vulnerability in sharing one of your deepest questions about the makeup of your life. I commend you for that.
One of the positives that can come out of this, is that you will easily be able to identify with others who have no dad. I’m thinking of asylum seekers that I know who have fled their home, their homeland and everything familiar to them, because they have been targeted, the homeless, those caught up in the cycle of domestic violence. You might not know your physical dad, but the beauty of the Gospel is that we all come to know our Heavenly Father as just that, a dad who loves, cares and understands us completely.

    Nahu · August 30, 2018 at 5:22 PM

    Mal, your words are really appreciated.
    The opportunity that I have now to use the experiences and understanding that I’ve learnt through all this is one I look forward to in the future. I’m so blessed for all I have and am excited to continue to share my story moving forward.

Al · August 30, 2018 at 9:13 AM

<3

    Nahu · August 30, 2018 at 5:22 PM

    Thanks for your ongoing support Al <3

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